Rome: Another dream? Oh, man. Regina, I cannot be held responsible for the things that I do in your dreams. 
Regina: You were kissing her. 
Rome: Who?
Regina: Anika, and you were liking it.
Rome: I was?
Regina: And she was liking it.
Rome: Of course she was. But who's Anika?
Regina: The pastry chef from my old catering company. And in my dream, you two were doing some nasty things with frosting.
Rome: Oh, well, I do like frosting.

Regina: Tonight I will be having my way with you sexually.
Rome: Looking forward to it, Anika.

Theo: I know you're Santa Claus.
Katherine: Santa Claus? Me? You think that Santa Claus is a real estate attorney?
Theo: Superman worked at the Daily Planet.

Delilah: It's a football.
Gary: And a speaker. Go long. Here comes Coldplay.

Gary: How are you and your pregnancy brain?? Or did you forget that you're pregnant?

Ashley: Do not BS me about FTC rules when I know you break those all the time, Donny.

Eddie: I may be compensating for having to work during Christmas.
Katherine: I invented that move. Thanks to my work guilt, our son owns approximately six million pieces of LEGO.
Eddie: I think I stepped on half of them.

Maggie: I'm not telling anybody that I'm doing this until after I get my first scan back. Just don't want to get anybody's hopes up.
Kev: But this is all about hope. Half of beating this is believing that you're going to beat it. And half is having a support system.
Maggie: Is any part of it chemo?

Danny: Okay, people. We're going to get the biggest tree here.
Gary: How about we'd get the biggest tree that my lower back can carry? You know what? You've got high ceilings and mom's credit card. Go for it. Let's do this.
Rome: Whoa, that was quite the mood swing. I thought that I was the one on anti-depressants.
Gary: Wait, we can do bits about your drugs? I'll circle back in 10 minutes. 
Delilah: Hey, stay together, okay? And no touching the chainsaw.

Sophie: Why are you guys making such a big deal about it?
Rome: Uh, it's nothing. I just, you know, I broke my ankle slipping on ice one time. 
Gary: Me, too. 
Eddie: So did I.
Rome: Long story short, trying to get autographs at the Ice Capades, let the performers come to you.

Delilah: If I go in there, [Sophie]'s just going to say she doesn't want to talk about it.
Eddie: Maybe I go? I live for rejection.

Sophie: I know what you're doing.
Eddie: Hmm? Oh, adding spicy mustard? Do not tell anyone. This is my secret ingredient.
Sophie: Okay, spicy mustard. You're trying to tell me that it's okay to feel the way I do and that it's normal, but I do not want to talk about it.
Eddie: Great, cause we're here to talk about me and what I'm feeling.

Ashley: I know it's hard to fake it but, like you said, the only thing that matters right now is making sure this family has a great Christmas. Suck it up.
Gary: You're right. There's a 12-year-old boy out there who's stronger than me.
Ashley: And he's just waiting for you to go make a joke about him sitting on the potty.
Gary: I've got to get out there, and I've got to poke fun at an innocent child.

Delilah: Why decorate my tree alone when I could have my friends do it for me, right?
Maggie: You're a very smart woman.

Delilah: Maggie, you know what? We ran out of lights. Could you maybe run back out and pick up a box at the at the Christmas tree lot?
Maggie: Uh, two things. I don't have a car and I don't know where that is.

Danny: Hey, Gar, kiss her. You're under the mistletoe. You've got to kiss. I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.
Gary: What you call mistletoe is, in fact, a parasite whose seeds are spread through bird feces, so you'll understand if I'm not inclined to pucker up.
Maggie: And I decline the kiss for a host of other reasons.

Danny: Hey, hold up. We need umbrellas and bendy straws.
Regina: Yes, we do.
Sophie: Yeah. I'll get them.
Rome: You know what? Honestly, I don't think I could even do a margarita without an umbrella.
Sophie: It just makes sense.

Sophie: Hey, didn't mom and Eddie go to get sparkling apple juice?
Rome: Yeah, got to have the sparkling apple juice. 'Tis the reason for the season.
Sophie: Yeah, but there's, like, four bottles here.
Rome: No. No, no, not, no, sparkling apple cider, you know, not the juice. The juice is disgusting. Don't drink the juice.

Gary: You're absolutely sure that D wants just white lights?
Maggie: Uh, the lights that match the rest of the tree? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she wants.

Gary: Okay, that man is older than Christmas and he just pulled out his checkbook.

Gary: Are you seeing this?
Maggie: I see what your eyes see and I also cannot believe it.
Gary: Uh, excuse us. Sorry, hi. All we have is this one sad little box of Christmas lights, so would you mind if we jumped over you there?
Woman: I would, actually. Sorry. We're in a bit of a rush.
Gary: Wow. Because we probably wouldn't have picked this line if we had known that all of aisle three was gonna cut in front of us.
Maggie: Hey, you know what? Maybe they're opening their own Christmas tree lot. Like a satellite office.
Gary: Like they're franchising.
Woman: For your information, this is my husband.
Gary: Oh. Well, I'm happy for you that you found each other.
Maggie: Aww, what you have seems so special. What you are doing is total crap.
Woman: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, it's just that, on earth, the planet that we're on, there's, like, a way to do things.
Maggie: Yes, on this planet, we have what we call a a social contract.
Woman: Not that it's any of your business, but I'm actually feeling a little under the weather, so I'd like to get home. 
Gary: Aww. Got a little sniffle?
Maggie: Oh my gosh, that's terrible. It must be going around.
Gary: Yeah, you know what's not going around? Breast cancer. And yet we both have it. Very rare in men, but I got it.
Maggie: But it's more common in women. 
Gary: It is. Right.
Maggie: Still kind of weird cause I got it twice.
Gary And yet you don't see us cutting in line with a pallet of Christmas.
Maggie: No, you don't. 
Man: Go ahead. 
Gary: Aww. 
Woman: Bryce, what are you doing? 
Man: I'm so sorry. 
Maggie: Thank you. 
Man: So sorry.
Gary: It's very, very sweet. Feliz Navidad.
Maggie: Very nice. What a gentleman. They're going to have problems tonight.
Gary: I think my favorite was, "I don't want to spend the year I have left standing in line behind you." Look at us bonding over cancer.

Gary: I have tons of friends. I'm stupid with friends.
Maggie: No, I'm talking about female friends.
Gary: I have female friends.
Maggie: No, I'm talking about women who are not just your friends because they are the spouses of your guy friends.

Maggie: The only thing better than new car smell is peanut brittle smell.

Eddie: Thanks for dropping me off.
Gary: This is your car, your gas. It's literally the least I could do.

Rome: Last chance. Manager, okay? I am the smart choice. Think about it.
Eddie: Yeah. We have a manger. His name is Jeffrey.
Rome: Jeffrey's got you on a bus. I'd have had you on a jet.

Maggie: I want a concert T-shirt, okay? 
Eddie: Done.
Maggie: Not one of yours. The Lumineers.

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